haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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