battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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