my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
