I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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