I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize