you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize