Small penises have feelings too.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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