I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
