dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Someone shit on the floor
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
