I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
