I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
