I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
