and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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