so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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