I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
