My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Bring me that man meat
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
