at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize