I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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