You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
