What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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