just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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