Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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