This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Found the puke drawer
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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