I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
