i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
