i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Screwed.edu
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
