I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
