fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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