how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
