new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
