so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
