your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
