I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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