So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
