Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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