I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
FUCK WHALES
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
