I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
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