Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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