Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
