There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize