Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the raccoons are back...
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