If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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