is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
