I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
