never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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