and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
