Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
