Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
