matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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