The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
