A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
