I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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