Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
