I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
