Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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