so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
