everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's shark week go big or go home
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
