Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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