Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
